Monday, July 18, 2005
Opening lines are always the hardest. I would love to think that everytime I could come up with something creative, some life-shattering hilarious joke that makes you say, "After I change my pants, remind me to check this thing out more often..." but let's face it, in all my allure and humility even I'm not that creative.
In an effort to squelch the nagging frustration of my lack of creativity, I offer you the top 10 lessons I have learned while here in NY:
10. It is easier to shave a running bear than to get a New York State Driver's License. Hell could freeze over, and they would only give me a provisional license.
9. Ignorance is not limited to south of the Mason Dixon Line, it's alive and well here. I have several young men who refuse to eat eggs because they just discovered that they come out of the chicken's butt... they thought the super market made them in the back of the store.
8. I'm going to miss NY pizza whenever I go.
7. A fellow Southern friend was pulled over by a cop because "he didn't love his dog." Apparently people can ride in the bed of trucks, nobody cares, but dogs -- no this has got to stop.
6. Sarcasm is the language of love.
5. You can sell puppies here with no papers for $350, and people will buy them just because they're cute!
4. Riverhead NY has the world's worst Wal Mart. Today I considered giving Target my business (you don't know how hard it was for me to say that -- also let the record state I only "considered")
3. Digression is one of my greatest gifts; note the many parenthetical and disruptive statements both currently included and remaining to be written. There has yet to be a church service here that has not, at some point, experienced some random movie quote mostly revolving around the Monty Python/Jim Carrey genre. I believe that Digression is my ministry.
2. Accents are addictive, everybody has one, and I end up copying them all. Between my time in NY, Mass., Maine and the rest of the New England area, I have concocted a strange mixture of everything, which ends up sounding like a drunk Aussie trying to use Ebonics in Creole.
1. I'm cheap and haircuts are $25.
So there you have it, life's most precious lessons of the past six months.
# posted by Matt Foster : 9:20 PM
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Matt, i'm so glad you are doing this! Thank you for sharing your heart and your humor--it is a blessing to hear about. Glad you are doing well there, praying for you. stay strong to walmart matt, stay strong--
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